You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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