you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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