The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
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You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.