If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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