I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
