he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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