I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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