we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
