i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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