Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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