No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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