I think my fart just growled at me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
