So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I could make wine with my vomit
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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