well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
