Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
