I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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