By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
