hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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