So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
