She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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