i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
