i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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