I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
