my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
