I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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