plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
