nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
