Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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