Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
