he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
