I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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