Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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