I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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