Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
