sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I cut my penus on the lid.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
