just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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