What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
