Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
