o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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