careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
As shirtless as possible
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
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I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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