So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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