Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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