Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
