my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
