my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
