but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
