i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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