i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
