the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
