Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
