Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
