i love accidental penises.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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