I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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