Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
