You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
