woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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