my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
