Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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