I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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